Tender-hearted
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. …Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Eph 4:30, 32)
Every relationship involves two people. Both are sinners. Sinners’ sins will hurt each other. Relationships will suffer injuries that only mutual forgiveness can repair.
But how do we approach forgiveness when we’re in a place of hurt?
It’s not enough to say, “Don’t feel hurt!” We can’t simply jump from being hurt to forgiving. Nor are we asked to make that leap.
Ephesians 4:32 outlines steps toward healing—first, kindness, then compassion, then forgiveness.
Notice that the work of the Spirit is not only in injury-prevention, but also in healing. The Spirit wants us to “give grace” to each other, even after we’ve failed to give grace.
The first step is do acts of kindness. These do not require us to pretend that nothing has happened. But by the grace of God and the assurances of His Word we can, like Jesus did, do kind things to those who have done poor things to us.
The second step is contained in the word “tenderhearted.”
“Tenderhearted” translates a rare Greek word made up of two parts. The first is the word for “compassion”—i.e. “Jesus was moved with compassion.” The second part is a prefix that conveys happiness or positivity—so, favorably-disposed compassion.
Kindness is an action, tenderhearted is an emotion.
We feel something toward them that our previous hurt had prevented us from feeling. We were mad. Now we feel something different. We are moved toward them; we “feel” for them.
What has happened? Our acts of kindness, in obedience to Christ, have awakened us to something else that’s true.
Yes, they hurt us. Yes, they’re a dumb poopy-head and “always do this!”
But also, I see that they’re also hurting, they also are going through hard things or have a lot on their plate. And I realize that, in fact, I don’t want to punish them. I don’t want them to suffer; I want them to heal. I don’t want them to struggle; I want them to flourish. I love them.
I can’t just gloss over what happened in our relationship, but as I attempt to be kind, I am reminded (and helped by the Spirit to see) that they are someone like me, and they are someone who likes me, and they are someone I like.
Don’t rush into a cheap forgiveness. Forgiveness is powerful and difficult and important. No one benefits from slapping wallpaper over rot.
And forgiveness is beautiful, worth it, and life-changing. It’s worth the steps, the time, the work.
While you prayerfully begin to show them the grace of kindnesses, pray for them. And the Spirit, by kindness and by prayer, will work in them and also in you. The Spirit will supply you with the favorably-disposed compassion of Christ.
Without that, any attempt at meaningful conversation will likely become an argument. But with this grace-hearted compassion—with this, forgiveness grows more desirable.
It’s like, “Hey, I think the healing may already be happening, the gap already shrinking.” Because the Spirit is already restoring them to where they belong: in your heart.
Photo by Ben Stein on Unsplash